Lessons · QOTW · Waffling

QOTW – Week Seven

“But what if I fail”

This is quite literally one of my favourite sayings. I say it all the time, and I especially say it in reference to trying anything new. In fact I have no shame in saying I am one of life’s giver uppers and that I often associate myself with being weak. In fact when AJR came out with their song it became a private joke between me and my friends that it was actually the anthem for my life and I couldn’t help but belt it out every time I heard it in a weirdly proud manner.

Now don’t get me wrong it’s okay to have faults and some of them can be embraced. And you can accept you have faults and work on them. However, some faults run so deep that the thought of even attempting to work on them can scare you. And for me the thought of trying and anything new and messing it up or it goig wrong frightens me. If you’ve read a few of my posts then you’ll know that I get worried about change. But since getting my Happiness Planner and being able to track my moods and review my week i’ve been able to assess things and pinpoint where i’ve felt low or unhappy and things that I need to build on so I can get to where I want to be.

However, taking the plunge to do new things has been difficult for me. So, standing by the  metaphor in the quote. I’m often sat on the shore watching everyone across the horizon having the time of their lives wishing I could join them. Occasionally I’ll dip my toe in the water but then the minute the waves start getting too high I quick scamper it back up the sand. This can be applied to pretty much every aspect of my life. And I am fast trying to break out of that cycle. For example, this year I have decided to do both level three modules of my University degree. I feel like I’ve been doing this course for ages (it’s been 4 years). I do my degree through the Open University. If anyone would like a blog about my experience as a distance learning student please let me know. It always scared me the thought of doing two modules at once. Would I drown? However, with me organising my time better using the Planner and my own diary, with the kids being better settled at school then I could manage it. And then it would be done and I can weigh up my options then as a graduate (fingers crossed James will finally be in school full time by then).

The same can also be said of my relationships. I have been in an on/off again relationship now for quite some time. I’ve been with this man since I was 16 and we practically grew into adults together. He was my best friend and I fell in love with him and we went on to have children together. We have been through alot of scary things together and have both evolved. Yet the problem is as we have evolved we have grown apart. But letting go of him has proven especially hard. He was once my best friend. Which is why it would be so easy for me to stay with him than risk my heart with someone else. Plus the thought of beign single does scare me a little. Living alone after all these years is pretty scary. After a dating disaster a few months ago and him being in a good place we naturally fled back together. However, it wasn’t right and things ended up breaking down again due to the same old issues. And I ended up going through the same old feelings again; sadness, rejection, frustation. But this time I actually felt something else; acceptance. I accepted that this was it. We can’t keep doing this. And going back to the quote I need to get in my boat and get on the ocean. I need to leave this behind and set sail to see what is on the other side.

I have to do this. I have to get in my boat and brave the waters. Moana song in my mind the whole way too.

Please feel free to write in the comments and tell me your stories.







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